2021: Don’t be a cunt, don’t do shit today

Hello there,

No, you’re not hallucinating after a rocky bumpy night of alcohol, recreative drugs and a weird session of Watch2gether where a japanese guy sings a song in german, yodeling his way to another dimension with chickens. That was my 1st night of this year, without the recreative drugs tho, I don’t consume drugs. For now then, this new year will be long and I can’t be sure of anything.

So, welcome to another year in the realm of the living, or as I like to put it, another dimension of WHAT THE SHIT BISCUIT.

2K21, year of magic, year of all the possibles and most importantly, second year of remote working for people having a job in this crumbling neo-liberal economy. Your perspicacity is unparalleled mate, I’m writing in Le English because it’s a new year and why the fuck not, my very French wine from Jurançon gives me all the power to do so and I must embrace this short surge of bravery. Badly ok but fuck it, most of you read the WaPo and the NY Times and my modest piece is way better that their OP ED made in hell by servants of Malebolgia. French is my native language, my line of work, my home, my je ne sais quoi de “nom de dieu de putain de bordel de merde de saloperie d’enculé de ta mère” as Lambert Wilson perfectly says it in Matrix Reloaded. Yes my english speaking friends, cursing in french is really like wiping your ass with silk, and you’ll never get that until you learn my precious mother tongue.

So, 2020, bordel.

How can I start my annual unchecked alcohol fueled editorial piece without talking about this past year. That one was rough for fox’ sake, for everyone except a few sons ans daughters of the void who fucked us during month of lockdown. These people deserve more than a shitty year but we’ll get to that later, let’s talk about the past.

So, 2020…

FUCK, I mean FUCK.

English is poor at curses putain, that’s why UK is Brexiting, US took two arms in the ass for 4 years and is about to be once again, anally dillated. Can we say anally ? It don’t know but pardon my french and allow me some broken “licences poétiques”. In these trouble times, I didn’t wrote any really lyrical meaningful piece of work, not because I’m unemployed but because my work is managing talented people who write for me, or precisely, for my clients. I must say I’ve been blessed on that matter, work flowed through the window since the first week of lockdown and I never had a month with money related nightmares, probably the firsts of my all life. I’m finishing a month of vacations, first real break in 10 years, it’s more than luck, it’s really a blessing.

To be honest I’ve pushed myself hard, not that I’m indulging myself in self pity or shit, but I’ve realy pushed myself hard this year and on the health side, it was ringing some alarms. Smoke 2 packs of cigs, sleep 3/4h and eat like 4 each day, you’ll see, it’s not the healthiest diet to follow. Once again, it’s a first world problem when people are litterally diying of hunger and simply of poverty when you live in a little but safe flat with your wonderful and everloving mother. The food is fucking great every single day, you have money to buy better products and you can forget to count when you’re doing groceries, it’s a fucking luxury and I’m grateful for that. It hasn’t always been like that and even if my stress levels skyrocketed since january 2020, I haven’t worried about food or anything money related. I must say it’s another dimension, even if I’m not a golden plated mofo and if my salary is not huge, it offers all latitude to be at peace when the night comes.

But.

As I finish this last sip of my wonderful (and not so expensive) wine, I can’t forget how we’ve been fucked by the poorest of the poorest management ever. Country management of course, I’m French, we’re the only bird who can sing with its two feet deep in shit but BORDEL, how in tarnation can people be so dumb, vile, hateful and blind at the same time? I must admit, I almost admire people like Boris Johnson, Mitch McConnell or my young and fancy President, Emmanuel Macron. I admire their tenacity in being the deepest of deepest shitty people, working to send their nation to the wall (or through the windows if you’re an adept of Lil Jon). This year, I’ve seen shit I simply cannot fathom, not because I’m more educated but because for fuck sake, they’re killing us with a decontracted wail of the hand. This corrupted cunt of McConnell, rotten like every single Sith I’ve seen in my young years of Star Wars fan, is retaining a bill that can help or bette, SAVE his own constituants but nope, he won’t do that because he’s a massive giganormic self interested cunt. You know my US friend, one day, it would be great if you move your ass and stop being nice.

Ok you love Jesus, it’s a fine guy, on the text tho, but he known when shit needed to get down and when the temple merchants needed to be whipped like crème fraîche. I’m baffled to see that some assholes can enter a state parliament armed like PUBG players in a farm session for shitty reasons, but you, normal and kind people did not do the same for more important matters like civil rights, anti-corruption march or more simply, not to die from fascist politics. Ok you elected Uncle Joe, nice, but I’m pretty sure he’ll fuck you up too, less violently than the Orange Mashed Potatoes, but I’m pretty sure he will and the majority of coward democrats too. In a country where there’s only right and no left, it’s about to be fucked more or less violently, I learned that too here with 25 years of neo-liberals and more or less right governments. Yes, I’m counting our Flanby François Hollande in the pack, being a leftist for 6 month don’t get him a free pass for what he has done after.

In this game of unparalled fuckery or as I’d say “Le jeu du plus gros fils de rien”, we’ve been blessed. The chinese virus, as the most brain deprived call it is the very embodiement of our crumbling societies, it has become de dumb virus. I don’t take China in high esteem but they’ve contained their own shit quickly, as almost every other asian country, and they’re now on low and stable state of contagion. Us ? We’re in a deeeeeeeep shit my friends. I’ll talk about my country, with all my patriotism concentrated in a precise and deadly salvo : THEY SHAT ON THE CARPET AND SAID IT WASN’T THEM.

How could I put that differently than that, I don’t know. We know they’ve been briefed early on the virus issue, and they’ve done almost nothing for the first month. I won’t insult you by replaying the shitshow that we’re all living, but I’m baffled once again by the lack of perspicacity or at least, the total abscence of brain functions in some of my government officals. In a few days, our President will come again for another allocution stolen in some ancien great leader of our country to say “We didn’t fail, it has not worked as intended”.

Dude, if you fail, it’s on you, I’m locked down in my flat for A FUCKING YEAR, trembling about catching this shit or seeing the last member of my family diying of this shit when you and your team are famously failing again and again, searching for the most effiscient way to do nothing but showing you do something. I’ve worked with assholes, I’m fired assholes too, but you, I’d slap your “pretty momma’s sucking tit face” of a cunt until you’d take a fucking decision to protect the freakin’ hell of us. In a few day, Manu, as we call him with far less respect than we have for his predecessors (that we litterally hated, like Sarkozy, the most hated cunt in 30 years), will come on TV with a solemn tone and a serious face, and say “we need to instore a curfew”. Yeah mate, and what about sucking your own dick when you’re listening to Thunderdome 4, it seems to be more fucking effiscient than nothing aye?

Sorry, Billy Butcher’s erruption, it’s the wine and the past year, and I have a friend talking in english with a fucking delicious scottish accent, it happens to me sometimes. Oh, no transition here, do you know BlackWaltz? Very good rock band, you must listen to their songs, and maybe buy them for a very low price on Bandcamp, support artists, it’s good for your Karma you know. BlackWaltz. B.L.A.C.K.W.A.L.T.Z. Ok end of the 4th/5th wall breaking.

English is a crippled language when you’re cursing, the lingua franca is the embodiment of poverty when it comes to curses, it saddens me. At least, I won’t finish at Kotaku, and somewhere, it’s better for everyone.

Oh sorry, yes, these cunts.

I’ll spare you another rant on Boris “BoJo Horseshit” Johnson or his inability to bring anything relevant on the english politics’ table. He’s a massive horsetwat, we all know that and he has hurt his country for 30 years. Good job lad, History will remember you as a shitbag. I’m not the most appreciative person when it concerns the perfidic Albion, but I just hope my Northern Irish ans Scottish pals will get out of this shite as quickly as they can. Europe can perfectly live without some all knowing nothing doing pudding eating high hats shitwaffles, but it will be too sad without flowers of Scotland and harps.

Ok, english is poor on one side but you can almost mix everything to create a direct insult, not so bad in the end.

As a tradition since 2009, it’s now time to dispense some random advices and to try to light some fire of hope somewhere. Maybe in me at first, maybe in you, maybe nowhere who knows, it’s the magic of this piece, perfectly useless and somewhere totally worth it.

We enter in a year of transition, after the shock, the loss, the sadness and the illness. No, it’s not behind us but it will slowly be, if and only if we stay the fuck safe. Vaccines are on the way, they won’t be the quickest shield ever made but they work and we can’t be ill from the virus if we’re vaccinated. On the other side, we can be contagious and infect people so keep your fucking mask on and up your motherfucking nose, not under you dumb Karen/Karl of a twat. Be benevolent and patient to others, they’re shitting their pants as much as you do, but don’t forget there’s cunts in the pack and you can send them to eat shit or be trashed by 30/50 feral hogs, depending of your actual location.

Hold people accountable for their real mistakes, you first. I you shat the bed, clean it, apologies for it and try to do and be better. If they’re irrecuperable assholes, geet rid of them, you don’t need them in your life, especially in this bizarre and stifling times. Hold your goverments accountable here, there, don’t look down when their using lies, violence and sentiments of patriotism or solidarity to deceive you. You applaud first line workers this year? Great, now support them, fight for them, for a system of social security, of public health and for the core of this hidden war : where goes your money. If you’re in US, I can’t do much for you, get rid of libertarian shibags and private health security cronies, they steal your money and will continue to do so if you don’t say otherwise.

Use the time you have to educate yourself, go out of your comfort zone, try new things, learn new things, burn stuff and sleep. Yes, sleep, take a day to do nothing without feeling guilty, time you enjoy wasting is not wasted. That’s a modest but real advice, stop feeling guilty because you’re not “productive enough”, “good enough”, “present enough”. If your team or work is on the brink of collapse because you’re not there, it’s a fucking error of management. You’re human more or less you’re a human being often washed by a world tearing you apart every second. Companies are fighting for your attention, your money, your time, your knowlegde or your data but if you’re not doing shit, staying at bed with your S.O. or your dog/cat, that’s real fucking life. Have a bowl of flakes and watch some episodes of House M.D. or Battlestar Galactica, read some comics/mangas, listen to music (Can I speak to you about BlackWaltz the best new band of this decade?), enjoy the very few moments of this excruciating life where peace is in your hands.

I don’t know what tomorrow will be made of, I never knew. I always bet on the side of my coin for anything, pushing my luck to its limits and working hard to get the last call, the last place, or the last chance. I’m a suicidal type of guy, don’t worry tho, I’m more like Hemingway suicidal type than Chris Cornell, both genius and tortured men I love deeply. But in the end it always has been about pushing to the limits, riding the fine blade of the breaking point, mentally and physically hurting myself for a purpose, a project or a future, because in my mind, it always was my last chance, my last ride and my last call.

Fuck that.

If you survived this year, if you’re bearing the weight of loss, sadness, fear, depression, loneliness and hurt, you’re free to take a day when you’re low. You owe that to yourself and no cunt in this reality can’t deny you the right to be kind to yourself from time to time. Life is a fucking roller coster where terryfiying clown throw shitpies at you when the cart goes down, and when it goes up too. I fucking hate clowns, and these motherfucking bag of dicks are everywhere. For Fox’ sake, I even see one in the mirror some mornings and I hate myself for that. The few energy you have, put it on yourself, care for you first and don’t forget that others may be in need of that too. Don’t be a cunt, take the slow ride for once, try repair yourself and regain some empathy for yourself and others. I know it’s very “coumbaya let’s dance in the fields and love each other”, but remember that Mitch McConnell and BoJo Horseshit are real and don’t have empathy. They’re cunts, very real and mean cunts. They don’t like you, they don’t want you to be happy or relaxed they just want to see the world burn.

And that’s your fucking job now.

Burn the world with lazyness, kindness to yourself, even a slice of silence and peace. Take a break, have a Kit Kat, smoke a joint, eat munchies or comfort food, don’t put pants on for a day, plunge your face into the fluff of your cat. The clock will always tick for time, there will always be crunch, death marchs, fucking meetings, worse : MORNINGS. But once in a while take a break from this madness, have mercy for yourself because no one will have mercy for you if you lose yourself in this late capitalism crushing process of life. You need to recharge yourself in order to think clearly, fight your fears and your anguish, or simply get through another day. This world doesn’t allow us to be free of its weight, and until we destroy the rotten cogs of that machine, recharge yourself frome time to time.

This simple thing is my lesson, and from an almost worn out asshole to another, take care of yourself and your loved ones. As a modest writer, a loving friend and a fierce fighter of fate, you need to outlive these cunts and that’s all that matter.

After a decade of effort, loss, rage, 5 burnouts and a bunch of fat lost and taken and re-lost and re-taken, I assure you that’s the important.

Be well, be brave, be ready to fight fate and I’ll see you next year.

Godspeed mate